


Whipped Like Heavy Cream

by AlphaStarr



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Dave's Repressed Homosexuality, Pesterlog, Post-Sburb, Strider Code of Sexual Conduct
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-09 11:29:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1981254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaStarr/pseuds/AlphaStarr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TG: oh my god bro<br/>TG: i didnt want to believe it but this confirms it<br/>TG: youre actually fucking whipped<br/>TG: whipped like heavy cream<br/>TG: whipped like i cant believe its not butter<br/>TG: whipped like the chocolate in a mars bar<br/>TG: i cant believe you youre a disgrace to striders everywhere</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whipped Like Heavy Cream

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know. I just wanted to have Dave commenting on DirkJake.
> 
> Thanks to my awesome beta, LateNiteSlacker, for looking this over for me!! :)

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]! --  
TG: aight listen up bro  
TG: ive got some ill beats for you  
TG: these beats are so sick theyre in the emergency room of the hospital like oh shit son you left your wounds untreated for so long and now theyre infected  
TG: shits like motherfuckin gangrene  
TG: its so severe that youve got to cut off a limb to survive this illness  
TG: welcome to paraplegic city population you  
TT: Okay.  
TT: So, where are these alleged ill beats?  
TG: theyre being performed at the club this friday  
TG: 10 pm dont miss it  
TT: Remind me again who thought it was a good idea to name a club "the club," with all lowercase letters.  
TG: roxy  
TT: And of course, you acquiesced to this with no problem.  
TG: of course  
TG: its ironic  
TG: dont be hatin on our club name  
TT: I still think you should have misspelled something.  
TT: Make it "hte clbu" or something.  
TT: It would make searching for it on the internet a lot easier.  
TG: jfc who do you think we are  
TG: were fucking PROFESSIONALS dirk  
TG: stop trying to ruin our good name  
TG: we worked hard on that yo  
TG: i mean its not like we have the most immersive sound system for nothing  
TG: that shits so immersive its like the ocean  
TG: and the clubbers are like the titanic slowly sinking under the waves never to be seen on the surface again  
TG: and i am the iceberg  
TG: its me  
TG: cool as fuck crashing into em all with my music  
TG: its catastrophically awesome  
TT: Dude. I know the sound system is good.  
TT: I built it, remember?  
TT: But as much as I'd like to listen to you put out some terminally diseased mixes, I can't.  
TT: I'm busy.  
TG: wtf bro  
TG: normally im all for not messing with your business  
TG: mostly because its contaminated with puppet ass  
TT: Don't hate on the smuppets, man.  
TG: aw hell no  
TG: look into their cold dead eyes and tell me thats not creepy  
TT: This coming from the guy who collects roadkill.  
TG: anyways thats not the point  
TG: point is that youve been busy for the past ten weeks  
TG: im pretty sure i legit havent seen you for months  
TG: you havent signed on to do a set in almost half a year even though i know youre still mixing cause you keep posting those ironic pony beats on your youtube  
TG: the club misses you dirk  
TG: what have you even been DOING  
TT: ...  
TT: Jake English.  
TT: I've been doing Jake English.  
TG: every night?  
TG: for TEN WEEKS?  
TT: ...  
TT: Yes.  
TT: What can I say?  
TT: He's got a very active libido.  
TG: holy fuck  
TG: how the hell arent you sick of each other  
TT: We like to get creative.  
TT: Mostly with rope.  
TG: gross bro  
TG: i did NOT need that mental image  
TT: Hey, you asked.  
TG: ugh  
TG: anyways cant you come out and hang with your friends for one night  
TG: maybe spin some delirious rhythms on your turntables  
TG: your boyfriend can entertain himself with a sunbleached hair salon poster or something  
TG: he likes blue things right  
TT: I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave.  
TT: Article II, Section IV of the Strider Code of Sexual Conduct says that I cannot let my partner go unsatisfied.  
TG: the strider code of sexual conduct was just a bunch of stupid rules written by alternate universe you aka my bro  
TG: and even then im pretty sure they were only meant to be used for one night stands  
TG: cause you know  
TG: thats all he ever had  
TG: and even then how do you even know theyd be successful in this universe  
TG: i mean even the laws of physics are different here  
TG: you remember how we used to have sylladexes?  
TG: yeah i bet you do  
TG: but nope new universe says screw that now you carry shit with your actual hands  
TG: and then sylladexes ollied outy into the sun never to be heard of again  
TG: besides  
TG: you dont even have to show up for the whole night  
TG: just a couple hours would do it  
TT: I'm not sure.  
TT: Sexing Jake English is a multiple-hour event.  
TT: First I have to make dinner, because fuck if he wouldn't burn down our kitchen if left to his own devices.  
TT: It's important to eat when your sex life is active.  
TT: I'm certain Hal could give you some bullshit statistic about how many calories are used every time you have sex, and Jake can't even competently use a microwave.  
TG: all right first off takeout exists for a reason  
TG: secondly what are you, his mother?  
TG: hes a full grown man its not your responsibility to make sure he eats  
TT: What am I supposed to do, cook dinner for myself and let him eat whatever?  
TT: The last time that happened, the leftover lasagna he was trying to heat up caused our microwave to explode.  
TT: I spent an hour and a half putting aloe on his second-degree burns and picking shrapnel off of his skin. Which is to say nothing of the fact that there is currently a gaping hole in the wall of our kitchen.  
TT: Still have to fix that.  
TT: And I don't trust takeout not to contain nuts.  
TG: hes godtier  
TG: you cant die because of nut allergies when youre godtier  
TT: So I don't enjoy watching my boyfriend suddenly start suffocating, the life slowly ebbing out of his watering eyes as he dies, only to be brought back to life by mysterious forces. Sue me.  
TG: all right fine  
TG: so youre weird about making sure everything he eats comes from your own loving hands  
TG: ok  
TG: thats cool  
TG: the way to a mans heart is through his stomach or something like that right  
TG: so you cook him dinner and then fuck him and then come to the club to hear some rad music  
TG: whats wrong with that?  
TT: Like I said, it's a multi-hour process.  
TT: We have to talk over dinner about everything we did that day.  
TT: I mean, my workdays are mostly the same, but he's always doing something new.  
TT: Did you know that the museum just got a shipment of skulls that they think might come from early hominids?  
TG: wait  
TG: do you actually tell him about shit you did at work or do you just listen to him blab about fossils  
TT: Well, like I said, I'm not doing anything that interesting.  
TG: you work with combat robots designed to annihilate enemy forces  
TT: So?  
TG: my brother  
TG: harbinger of the robot apocalypse  
TT: Can't be worse than the last time we had an apocalypse.  
TG: and you think this isnt interesting  
TT: Hey, I just program the AIs.  
TG: riiiiiight  
TG: so after you listen to him talk about dead things what comes next  
TG: im dying to know whats keeping you from  
TG: yknow  
TG: actually being social  
TT: I'm plenty social. I eat lunch with my co-workers and sometimes Jake and I visit people on weekends.  
TG: work doesnt count  
TG: neither do places you go with your boyfriend  
TT: It totally counts.  
TG: no thats like  
TG: the cardinal rule of being married  
TG: it doesnt count as hanging out with friends if you bring your wife with you  
TT: We're not married.  
TG: yet  
TT: Anyways, you were asking about what I do after we talk?  
TG: dont try to change the subject  
TT: I'm not trying to change the subject; you're getting off track from the main topic.  
TT: Take a leaf from Rose's book, will you? Try actually remembering your original inquiry.  
TG: so youre saying i should psychoanalyze your shit  
TG: well here goes  
TG: blah blah phallic imagery blah blah feelings jams blah blah attachment issues blah blah self esteem blah blah  
TG: tldr its all because youre gay  
TT: Tell me something I didn't already know.  
TT: Listen, do you want me to answer your original question or not?  
TG: sure whatever  
TG: keep telling me about all the lame things youre doing instead of being awesome  
TG: whats next  
TG: do you talk about your children  
TG: how little timmy and little sally are doing in school  
TG: maybe think about the .5 kids you have on the way festering in your mpreg intestines  
TT: Don't even joke about that.  
TT: We just watch a movie, you dick.  
TG: oh my god bro  
TG: i didnt want to believe it but this confirms it  
TG: youre actually fucking whipped  
TG: whipped like heavy cream  
TG: whipped like i cant believe its not butter  
TG: whipped like the chocolate in a mars bar  
TG: i cant believe you youre a disgrace to striders everywhere  
TT: I'm not whipped, goddamn it.  
TT: So what, we watch movies together. I'm pretty sure you do that much with your boyfriend.  
TG: im not dating any guys  
TT: Sure you aren't.  
TT: Yet.  
TT: Sooner or later, your repressed homosexual leanings are going to explode out of the closet like a microwave that's had a bad run-in with Jake English.  
TT: Hal could give you the numbers on this, but I'm fairly certain those platonic guy nights you have with John and Karkat are going to evolve into sloppy makeout moviefests.  
TT: Now, Rose tells me you've had a bit of a history with John, and your sexual desires for Egbertflesh go all the way back to when you were 13. And half of his ectogenes are Jake's, so of course he ain't bad looking. If you homosplode all over him, I'd approve.  
TG: nope nope nope nope  
TG: excuse me while i ollie the fuck outy  
TT: But wait.  
TT: If it turns out you have a thing for alien dick, which I've heard might actually be a tentacle or something like that, Karkat is conveniently there. And you spent three years on a cold, lonely meteor with him, a lesbian couple, and some other weird alien romance pair.  
TT: Shit, it's like you're that chick from Twilight.  
TT: Which one will you pick when there are TWO guys after your ass?  
TG: why did you watch twilight  
TG: i thought we agreed there was no amount of irony worth watching twilight for  
TT: The second part of Breaking Dawn actually wasn't complete shit. The decapitations were pretty interesting.  
TG: bro  
TG: no  
TG: why  
TT: Jake wanted me to watch it with him.  
TT: Also, Taylor Lautner's abs were amazing, even if they're not as good as Jake's.  
TG: nice try but i already know that jake doesnt have abs  
TG: we all saw him at the beach last summer and unless hes figured out the secret to a toned stomach in less than three months he probably still has that little pudge  
TT: So what, he makes it work.  
TT: I was referring to the functionality of his muscles, anyways. Jake's strong as fuck.  
TT: It really expands the quantity of sex positions we can try.  
TT: By the way, helicoptering is totally possible, although extremely uncomfortable.  
TG: please  
TG: just stop talking about your sex life  
TG: i dont want to picture you and english doing the horizontal mambo  
TT: Well, we do it vertically, too.  
TT: I especially enjoy pinning him to our shower wall and plundering his plush ass with my throbbing cock.  
TG: no  
TG: stop  
TG: and wait here while i go wash my brain out with bleach  
TG: ok back  
TG: you know bro im pretty sure theres something wrong with you  
TG: when you start preferring your real life significant other to famous actors specifically selected for their attractiveness youre fucking whipped  
TT: I'm not whipped. "Whipped" implies that my boyfriend decides everything in the relationship.  
TG: like where you eat dinner  
TG: and what you talk about  
TG: and what movies you watch  
TG: and how frequently you have sex  
TG: and what you spend all your free time doing  
TG: i dunno man  
TG: you sound pretty whipped to me  
TT: I told you, I'm not fuckin' whipped.  
TT: Just because I'm giving Jake a choice in the things we do doesn't make me whipped.  
TT: The first time we dated, I was a manipulative dick who always made things happen according to whatever I'd planned.  
TT: Granted, because it was the most efficient way of doing things and also the least likely to get us killed, but that's another story.  
TT: It got really bad. Like, I was coordinating our clothes to match bad.  
TG: oh no  
TG: not the matching outfit schtick  
TG: the nauseating corundum of all families everywhere  
TT: Obviously, it didn't work out.  
TT: I'm pretty sure Jake was miserable, but too passive to actually complain to me about anything.  
TT: Like I was some obnoxious kid at the arcade hogging all the time at his favorite game, but he was too shy to ask to play.  
TT: So, this time around, I'm making sure he gets a turn at the controls.  
TT: Just sort of turning around and asking, "Hey, do you want to play a round?"  
TT: And surprise, he actually cares about stuff that happens in his relationship. What a shock!  
TT: So I don't mind if he picks what we eat-- which he doesn't, by the way. It's not that hard to work around a peanut allergy.  
TG: still  
TG: no takeout  
TT: Takeout is shit, anyways.  
TG: well i cant really argue that  
TG: what about the other stuff though  
TG: you cant tell me that talking about stuff thats been buried for thousands of years turns you on  
TG: i bet youre more interested in staying buried in jake which probably cant last more than 10 minutes  
TG: oh snap!  
TT: I don't care that he talks about architectural artifacts all the time. I'm a history guy, remember? Big on ancient cultures and historical literature. If anything, I'm the one providing context for that spearhead lost in the museum archives.  
TT: And it's true, I can barely stay buried in Jake for ninety seconds without thrusting and disturbing the buried object, i.e. my dick. But I once buried a vibrator in him for four hours. He was begging for release by the end of it.  
TG: gross  
TG: tmi  
TT: Hey, if you don't want to hear about what I do between the sheets, don't try to talk about it.  
TT: You're the one that brought it up.  
TG: i regret that  
TG: i regret it so much  
TT: Speaking of between the sheets, he isn't the one controlling when we fuck. We don't have sex unless both of us want it. Ain't my fault that happens to be every night.  
TT: Have you seen us? We're a pair of young and healthy guys in excellent physical condition. We also have godlike powers. The Hope thing is especially useful in bed.  
TT: I'm not saying what for. Last thing I want is all of our friends after English's ass because you can't keep your mouth shut.  
TG: thats ok  
TG: i dont want to know  
TG: i dont even remember what i was messaging you about in the first place  
TG: and now were talking about your magical unreal sex life  
TT: You were asking me to stop by the club on Friday.  
TG: wait wait wait  
TG: back up a minute  
TG: why the fuck cant you just take your dumb boyfriend WITH you to the club  
TT: ...  
TT: That is an excellent question.  
TG: ...  
TG: dude  
TG: just  



End file.
